Do you know what a girl hates more than eating unnecessary carbohydrates? More than getting a visit from her period while on vacation in Mexico? More than having a man talk down to her?
The answer: Wasting a number on a dude who is a bad lay.
We’ve all had bad sex, sure. But nothing makes sex worse than when a guy finishes within the first few minutes (seconds?) of getting down and dirty.
It’s the worst thing ever. It’s the most colossal waste of time. You put in all of this energy to get to know a guy.
You have amazing conversation. He has big hands and feet!
You finally get into bed with him, and it’s like, BAM. Over. You’re lying next to him, thinking, “Oh, wow. Okay. I guess that’s it. Those are days and days of my life that I will never get back. Cool.”
The most terrible part is that the aforementioned guy rarely feels embarrassed. In fact, he’s often very satisfied with himself… which is sick. Like, do you not realize that entire bang session was three-minutes long?
Let’s all commiserate with a little public shaming. Here are nine girls with horror stories about the time a guy finished too early.
I was 18 years old and it was one of the first people I’d had sex with. (TMI?) Turns out, I got my period, so it didn’t even matter. We dated.
I dated a guy for two months who couldn’t last more than three minutes. Thirty seconds, TOPS, if I was giving him head. The average for [giving head] was about six seconds. I’ve also done some extensive research on micropenises and think he might have had one. Not sure why I stayed with him for as long as I did… Honestly, I think I took the coming so fast after oral as a huge compliment.
I have never had that happen to me. Except for this one time. I was sucking dick as foreplay and he came without even touching me. That was a bit offensive. Like, hello, you didn’t make me come. OH, and he FELL ASLEEP after, so that’s when I f*cking peaced out and didn’t come back until he promised to eat me out.
I once went to my ex-hookup’s apartment for a bang sesh. We started against the wall and moved to the couch. He thrusted one, two, MAYBE three times (that’s giving him the benefit of the doubt), and repeatedly said, “You f*cking love my hard cock,” or some crap. Then, he was donezo. I didn’t time it, but I think the whole thing lasted nine seconds, from first thrust to finish. Also, those aren’t ‘One-Mississippi…’ seconds; they’re, like, fast seconds.
Then I told him I would need him a couple more times. He said, ‘OK.’ I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, ready for round two, he was fast asleep.
I was hooking up with this guy for a while. Our banter was amazing, and I fully (and foolishly) expected the sex would be even better. Yet every time we got down to the dirty, he rolled over and checked out in thirty seconds flat.
The worst part was that he was entirely pleased with himself — and not all that into the idea of pleasing me.
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I sent all the right hints (and elbows), but, time after time, he ignored them. So I decided to do it myself.
He looked helpless as I pulled the covers down and finished myself off right next to him; I even slapped his hand away when he tentatively reached in to join (with a resigned look upon his face).
After I came, I slid off the bed in silence, put my clothes on, ignored his pleas and left his apartment. I never spoke to him again.
I can forgive a man for finishing too early, but I can’t forgive a man for not finishing me off.
This is a story about my friend in college. She brought a guy back to her apartment and they were making out. And then he came with his pants still on.
He apologized and they never hung out again. He now makes over $500,000 a year doing finance stuff (not relevant).
One time, my boyfriend was really sick with, like, the flu or something, and you know when you get the flu your skin is super sensitive and everything feels, like, amplified? I didn’t think this would apply to his penis and decided to give him a blowjob in the hopes of making him feel better, if only for a little bit. My plan backfired: He came in like two minutes. I’d like to say I’m just THAT good, but I’m pretty sure his body just wanted my mouth off him at that moment. We’re still together.
This one goes way back, and it didn’t happen to me… but I was one of the bullies in the story:
So I used to go to this really liberal, Jewish, artsy sleepaway camp. We didn’t have many rules, and all us kids were teeming with sexual curiosity and horny as hell. There was this 13-year-old boy, Johnny, whom everyone thought was super hot; he had a mohawk, which we thought was really edgy and badass.
This really outwardly sexual girl who was 14 or 15 decided she wanted to give him a hand job and teach him about sex — so out into the woods they went.
He apparently came when she merely touched it, and they reemerged from the woods five minutes later, his head hanging in shame. She told everyone at camp and we all called him ’30-second Johnny’ until the end of time. To this day he’s known as ’30-second Johnny.’
I actually had sex with this kid this weekend for the first time, and we did all the oral foreplay our sexual hearts could desire. And then once it got to sex, he would go for literally 20 seconds, pull out for a few, go back in for 20 seconds, pull out for a few — over and over and over again, because he was on the verge of finishing literally immediately and it was infuriating. Like, just stick with it and give me a proper lay even if it’s fast, and then we can do it a second time and you’ll last longer. How do I know how a penis works more than a man?
My vagina ended up burning the rest of the night from going dry and being irritated from all of the in-and-out, so I was left unsatisfied and in pain.
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